decision made

Last year i was told I am too rational sometimes and that I think too much. Very confusing information when you consider yourself a person that doesn’t think much at all but decides whatever the heart says. Just this morning while driving to work I looked back at the last year and remembered how sick I felt and how much life changed since the last 4 months. and then I realized that life changed because I’ve made a decision. A very rational one and i will not ever regret it. I DECIDED TO BE HAPPY.

Short recap: I had a mental breakdown in may, was diagnosed having a depression, checked into a clinic for several weeks and rose like phoenix from the ashes. I described how it all began back then (read here) but never wrote about about the outcome but I will now because I want to encourage everyone that it DOES get better.

Going to the clinic every morning was the start of a normal day again. I considered it like going to work – it actually was hard work. We had talking sessions but also cooked, baked, went for a walk, and sometimes we just sat around and did nothing. Something I haven’t done for years. During that time I learned that I was totally stressed out and that I didn’t listen to my body for too long. Biggest accomplishment ever. Hairloss, unexplainable weight gain, having difficulties to breathe – what else should have happened before I realize that something is going terribly wrong? Now i know better. I decided that this will never happen again.

After several long weeks they let me go because I felt so great that I hated to be around all those other depressed people. Though I was afraid of what might happen now, how my surroundings would react to my comeback everything turned out to be totally fine. And when I realized that my heart still beats faster for the things that truly matter to me – ever since my life is indescribably awesome.

I see life with different eyes and as long as it doesn’t affect my home, my relationship, my family and friends and my free time I don’t give a shit anymore. It’s that easy to say.

Once during a session in the hospital one of the doctors told us that every feeling is good for something. We all didn’t really get that because we didn’t consider this bullshit situation to be good for anything. But we learned that a depression is there to gain a new point of view, to realign life or situations. To me this information was the most valuable lesson ever learned.

So that’s what I did and thank god for giving me the strength to allow myself to be happy again. And this happiness comes from the heart, embraces this only life that I have and i’m about to make it the best life I can possibly have. That’s what it was good for. And i am grateful that I wasn’t afraid to seek help, to let it happen and to learn from the things that weren’t good.

And even though I was told not too think to much or not to plan too much – damn it – this is the decision I’ve made and it was a good one. And I can speak from my experience that if you can decide to be miserable sometimes you damn sure can decide to be happy as well. So go for it! It works!!

Thank you for sticking around and to prove you that this decision was life changing – right now we’re experiencing some things I can’t talk about yet – but they’re fantastic. Stay tuned. Until then – have a happy happy weekend!

xoxoxo, Lou