I recently read a book named “It sucked and then i cried” by Heather Armstrong from Dooce. It’s about her postpartum depression she suffered and how she fought against this disease. Because any kind of depression is a disease. I didn’t know i’m actually suffering from depression until I found myself sobbing and crying on the floor in my office one day last may. In that moment I thought I had a heart attack and couldn’t breathe anymore. It took some weeks to get rid of the clenching grip that took hold of my heart and the blood pressure that was sky high. I was a physical and mental wreck.
I went to see several doctors to get a total check up of my body and soul. And then I was told I am having a depression. ME!? I couldn’t believe a word and refused to take any medication whatsoever. I considered myself a healthy and HAPPY person and a depression was nothing I could ever accept for my life to happen.
I’m not a woman who’s very good at talking about feelings but the longer I thought about my past 2 years, the tantrums, me throwing things at loved ones, the aggressive screaming when I wasn’t in control of my job, the stress I caused myself to have with my shops and a total neglect of my friends and social life I realized the doctors could be right. I am depressive. Yes. ME.
I still can’t believe this because I still consider myself a very happy woman. But there definitely is a very dark side I have to fight and my body has to heal from – I have to admit – I don’t know what.
I really have no idea what caused my MASSIVE hair loss and my disability to react like a normal human being in situations I found difficult, the state of being physically weak and without power, and why I lost the ability to enjoy and embrace my beautiful and happy life. When did that happen? And why didn’t I realize this earlier? Why did I break down and thought I wouldn’t survive one more day? I don’t know and have to find out.
So soon I will do as Heather did when she had the same problem. I’ll check into a hospital where they will check my mental health and – I guess – they will dig inside my soul and cause more break downs. I will be on medication and they will teach me to live a normal life again. Because nothing is normal anymore about my life. I can’t work in the office, I can’t plan my week ahead. Right now the daily life is about surviving every single day from hour to hour. I am not ashamed to go to hospital but actually looking forward to it. It’s my health and if I broke a leg I would go to a hospital as well and it would be fine and no one would dare to judge. The soul is a part of the body, too.
Why am i telling you this? Because life isn’t sunshine and unicorns all the time. And because there are two sides of each story and maybe there is someone amongst my readers who feels similar or walks in these shoes as well. It is GOOD to talk about it and to be honest – I’ve never been so open about what happened recently and realized talking about it openly keeps a bit of my sanity intact. Heather’s book really helped me to understand a lot of what happened and made me feel better about this mess. That’s exactly what she wanted to achieve and i thank her for it. And now I’m one of these women who wants to help others feel less alone. We need to help each other by encouraging ourselves and others to fight the bad and to do everything possible to stay HEALTHY. We only have one life!
I’ll be around less in the upcoming months but be sure I hear you and appreciate your loyalty.